I stumbled today. Stumbled big time.
Well, that’s not actually even true. I just feel like I stumbled big time. I just stumbled more than I have in a long time. Not nearly as much as I used to when I was really unwell. So stumbled big time isn’t even all that true.
How I stumbled isn’t all that important. Some actions, self-destructive behaviours. Mostly thoughts. Desires. Feelings. Lower than I’ve felt in a long while. Senseless. Alone. Pointless. Wanting to do things that I knew would help. But just for a while. But would make me feel so much worse before long Things that I would be so angry with myself for. Things that really don’t help.
But as I said it’s not the how that is all that important.
It’s moving on from it that is important. Accepting what I have done. Accepting how I feel. Getting through it. Coming out the other side stronger and more able.
How do I do that? I’m not quite sure. That’s why I’m here.
I had so many ideas. So much that I was telling myself to help me through I am feeling. But all that happens is that they swim round my head and my head gets even more muddled.
So here I am. I’m blogging. I’m writing those ideas. I’m going through Beauty from Pain Blog reminding myself of the things that I know – the things that I shared with others to help them.
Most of the time when I blog it’s because I want others to learn from it, from me, from my illness. But tonight I want me to learn from it.
The stuff that I know. Some reminders. For now. For this evening. But for next time too.
- I just said ‘next time too’. That will happen. There will be a next time again. And that is ok. I have felt like this before and I did get through it. And I will again.
- Yes I know that I did get through it before. I know all that. But it doesn’t change how I am feeling right now. That is the really shit thing. It doesn’t really make this moment any easier, knowing that I have gotten through it before and iwll get through it again .
- But it doesn’t need to make this moment any easier. It doesn’t need to change this moment. This moment is what it is. And it is better to accept it and feel it and work with it, rather than fighting it. Fighting it will just make it worse.
- Yes it is this moment that matters right now and yes it’s true that it doesn’t really help how I am feeling in this moment to know that I have gotten through it in the past, and will again – but does that really matter? After all, it is not tomorrow that matters. It is not next week. Or next month. It is not the next time that I feel like this that it matters. It is this moment and getting through this moment. That is all that matters.
- And so what if I messed up a little today? It wasn’t even nearly as much as I used to do when I was really unwell. And so what if I feel really really shite right now? Shiter than I have in a long time. So what if I am having thoughts that I haven’t really properly done in a while? All that really matters is that I am alive. As long as i am alive then nothing else really matters. I haven’t had to think like that in a while, but as long as I get through this day, and each day, alive, those other things don’t really matter.
- I said there ‘having thoughts that I haven’t done in a while’. But that’s all they are – thoughts. Thoughts that will pass. Thoughts that don’t need to be acted on. Just thoughts. That’s all.
- It’s actually a good thing that I feel like this. The reminder sometimes of how it really feels is a good thing. I will keep telling myself that. I want to be a good Peer Support Worker. I want to be a good mental health trainer. It hurts like hell what I am feeling. It sucks being like this. It is fucking horrible and shit. But it keeps me in touch with the reality of it. That’s a good thing, right? And it’s not just about being an important reminder of the sheer hell of how it felt at the worst. A reminder of how horribly awful it felt / feels is good. It is a reminder of how hard I need to keep working to stay well. It’s just like how I say that all that happened before happened for a reason – how I have decided the reason – it is just the same here.
- And there’s another thing that just occured to me. Perhaps the reason it feels so incredibly shit is cos I haven’t felt this way for a while. Perhaps it’s even partly because I’ve forgotten quite how bad it felt. So the reminder is good, meaning it’s maybe less likely to be so bad next time. Perhaps…
- And I know that my mind (and partly my body) keeps trying to convince me that I am back to square one. But no it is not square one. Just because it feels the same in my body and in my mind that I felt when I was at square one doesn’t mean I am. Because it feels the same in this moment my body and mind thinks that it is the same. But it is not. I have learned new skills since then. Have new supports. New resources. New reasons to get through it. So many reasons. So, no, I am not back at square one.
- Those people I asked about their experience of it? What helps them? Listen to them. They know what they are talking about.
- Those quotes that I sometimes share? Even the one I give in the recovery section of training? Yes quotes can be stupid and annoying, but if they help so be it. So let’s focus on this: Good trees are not built with ease. The stronger the wind, the stronger the tree.
- Those parts of me that is telling me that I can’t run a business? That I am incapable? That I am too much of a mess? I need to shut those out of my mind right now? This is what I need to remind myself of. Yes, in this moment I am a mess. But I am not a mess overall. I have a lot of determination. I have a lot of business sense. I have a lot of motivation for what I do. All of those things will help me and I will make my business a success. So fuck off negative thoughts, I ain’t listening.
- Oh I flicked through my old blog posts and I found an important one. Perhaps the most important one of all to remember. That I am my own best mental health worker. I can help myself way more than any mental health professional can. This time two years ago I had just gotten out of hospital and was very, very suicidal. Today I feel just the same. But that’s just one day and I have come so far in that time. And I am the only one who has been there for me 24/7 for those full two years. I am the one who had ultimately got myself through it. I didn’t just get myself through it – I got myself so much further than ‘through it’. If I did that, then today should in theory be a doddle. I know what to do. I just have to do it.
- Another important one is one that I told others but perhaps need to accept myself – that it is ok not to be ok. I know that. And I tell others it. But I forget it. And of course when I am not ok I give myself a hard time for it. It is ok not to be ok. I remember the first time anyone told me that. No one had told me that before. But it helped a lot. And it was something important to remember. An important one to have on my list of reminders.
I think that’s about it now. There is more I could say. There is more I could do. I may even thing more and find more and add to my list of reminders.
But that’s enough for now.
I don’t really feel much better at all. Perhaps a little, I don’t know. But I will read and re-read and keep for future reference.
But for now I’m off to distract and use up some energy and cheesy 90s music is advised