This week is World Suicide Prevention Week.
As part of this, I will be publishing a series of suicide awareness posts.
This is the first part of this series…. ‘I still feel suicidal sometimes‘.
As a reader of Beauty from Pain Blog, you will likely know that I have been long term suicidal, and that I have attempted suicide a number of times in the past.
You may also know that I have gotten past my really bad point, and that I have made a lot of good things come out of it i.e. I have made ‘beauty from pain’.
Right now, I am very happy with my life, and am so, so glad that I am still alive right now.
What you are less likely to know is that I still feel suicidal sometimes.
I’m pretty sure that most people who know me would not expect that. I (probably) seem so sorted now, so happy, so full of life…. I am, and I am glad to be alive, but I still feel suicidal sometimes.
It would be unrealistic to expect someone to go from being long-term suicidal to never having suicidal thoughts again.
There are many reasons why a person may feel suicidal (and I expect that another blog post this week will relate to that), but for me these days it is usually when I get overwhelmed and the feelings of ‘I just can’t cope with all of this anymore’, and ‘everything is too hard’ when then start turning into suicidal thoughts.
Because, of course, if I took my own life, I wouldn’t need to ‘cope with all of this anymore’.
But… while you may be sitting there now wondering if I am a danger to myself, my definite answer is no.
I expect that I am likely to continue to have suicidal thoughts occasionally. I also realise that in my case they are just thoughts.
For many other people, they will be more than ‘just thoughts’, and of course thoughts of suicide always - always - need to be taken seriously.
But because I have accepted that I will occasionally have suicidal thoughts, this makes it easier for me to accept that they are just thoughts. It stops me freaking out when I experience those thoughts. It stops the thoughts becoming plans. It helps me cope with those thoughts.
And they pass.
I know that they will pass. Always. I know that I need to hang in there and ride them out.
I made a clear decision in July 2011 that I am never going to die by suicide.
(As I type that, a part of me thinks ‘I can’t ever know that for sure’ and I feel myself almost tempted to apologise in advance in case it does ever happen. But no, I’m not even going down that line. Because I made that decision and that is a decision that I am never going to go back on.)
For me, something that helps is knowing, when I have those thoughts, that yes, I am having suicidal thoughts, I don’t want to die. I want to escape what I experiencing but I definitely don’t want to be dead.
I want to have a life I can cope with. I want to have a good life, a manageable life, and I do not want to be dead.
That is not about not wanting to put others through my suicide, it is about me wanting to be alive.
And if I aimed for a life where I did not experience suicidal thoughts that would make life so much harder, put on so much more pressure, and make those thoughts so much more difficult to deal with.
So that is why I accept that, yes, I may continue to have suicidal thoughts from time to time – but that that is ok.
It is about how I cope with them that is important.
Author’s note: This piece currently describes my experiences, and where I am currently at. It is important to note that most people’s experiences of suicidal thoughts will be very different from this.
If you found this post helpful, you might also like to check out:
- Feeling suicidal is not something to be ashamed of;
- As long as I am alive…;
- Scary to think what I may have missed out on;
- I will not do it today…
Filed under: mental health awareness