My pledge to myself for 2014

Trigger – talk of suicide

So, I mentioned in some recent blog posts that I’ve been struggling mentally lately. Hey, I always struggle mentally to some degree. But I seem to be struggling more recently than I have in a long time.

There will have been several contributing factors to this, but the main outcome was that I felt (and still, to some degree feel) like I am getting as unwell as I was a few years back.

I’m not but it doesn’t stop me feeling like I am, and it’s not nice.

One of the things I noticed was my feelings regarding suicide changing. Back in July 2011 I made a concrete decision that ‘I will never die by suicide’. I still stand by that 100%. Yet I noticed thoughts creeping in of ‘if I were to get as unwell as I was a few years back, I just don’t think I could take it’. Leading to suicidal thoughts, which lead to thoughts of plans… and it’s strange how the thought patterns can change so easily. But in a way, those thoughts can be like a comfort blanket sometimes.

The last two nights – 30th December and 31st December – I had two really good night outs with friends. Those two nights have lifted me a little. Despite the fact that both evenings motivating myself to go was shit hard. My mind wanted to isolate, to curl up, to just hide away. But I made myself go. And I’m glad I did.

I don’t really believe in New Years resolutions. I believe that New Year is just a change of date, and doesn’t need to mean any more than that. I believe that if we want to do make a resolution to do something or change something, we should do that at any moment of the year. What difference does that number at the end of the date really make to us making resolutions about our life?

I do make ‘resolutions’ all the time. I’m continually working on my life, on me, on my mental health and my business. I, and my life, are a work in progress, and I’m constantly changing and developing.

So the new year means little for me in terms of new year resolutions. But I realised last night that it did mean something more to me.

As the clock struck midnight my friends and I did a countdown. Then we cheered Happy New Year to each other, hugged each other, etc.

At that moment, I was filled with a lovely, lovely feeling. A feeling of ‘Fuck, I did it. I made it another year, and it feels wonderful.’ 

It may not seem like a big deal. But it was an emotional moment for me. It’s another upside of what I’ve experienced. I attempted suicide three times in 2011. I didn’t think I would be alive here today. Being alive is really, really tough sometimes. Sometimes I don’t want to have to do it anymore. But I’m glad I’m alive. And those moments of ‘I didn’t think I’d be here today, but I am, and it feels bloody great’ are truly wonderful.

Most people won’t get to experience that feeling, which is what I mean about it being an upside of what I’ve experienced.

In that moment, at midnight last night, I made a realisation: I want to feel that feeling again. I want to start 2015 thinking ‘Yes, I did it. I made another year!’

So I’m making a pledge to myself for 2014. My pledge for 2014 is that:

I will not take my own life in 2014. 

That may not seem like a big deal. After all, I made a decision in July 2011 to never die by suicide. But given how I have been feeling lately, that pledge to myself for 2014 is a big deal for me.

And how will I achieve this?

Using the same old strategies that have always worked for me.

  • Taking each day as it comes, and each day taking a ‘I will not do it today’ approach and
  • Continuing to be ‘My own best mental health worker‘.  Regardless of how much professional support I have – or don’t have – I will always be the one who is most able to help myself. I will continually work at being my own best mental health worker, and managing my mental health as best I can.

So here’s to 2014, and to feeling that wonderful feeling as I ring in 2015!

KEEP CALM AND CHOOSE LIFE

About Amanda

Mental Health blogger at beautyfrompainblog.com Mental health trainer. My lived experience gives me the drive and passion to make a difference to others. Determined to make as much good as possible come out of my own illness.
This entry was posted in mental health awareness. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to My pledge to myself for 2014

  1. andylawrence71 says:

    This time of year is hard for sufferers of depression. Making it through the rest of the year is a piece of cake in comparison. Not only have you survived the festive season but you’ve also overcome tremendous obstacles and for that I will always salute you.
    We all know that our depressions could return at any moment but I’m convinced you will never again experience such painful lows. Your blog has helped more people than you will ever realize and we are all here for you if you ever again feel down.

  2. Yes, you will have that wonderful feeling next New Year’s Eve. I wish you all the best for 2014.

  3. vroomfrondel says:

    Struggling with thoughts of suicide, however strong or otherwise, is at least as much of a battle as struggling with life. You are right, there is only so much mental professionals can do. Sometimes, it’s up to yourself. Without the intervention of my psych, I may very well have take my own life last year. I may still.

    I consider every day a success if I am still alive or even avoid harm. It is my choice, it is, for yourself, yours too. Never forget talking can be helpful, if you ever need, you have friends, perhaps more than you realise.

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