Trigger – talk of suicide
So, I mentioned in some recent blog posts that I’ve been struggling mentally lately. Hey, I always struggle mentally to some degree. But I seem to be struggling more recently than I have in a long time.
There will have been several contributing factors to this, but the main outcome was that I felt (and still, to some degree feel) like I am getting as unwell as I was a few years back.
I’m not but it doesn’t stop me feeling like I am, and it’s not nice.
One of the things I noticed was my feelings regarding suicide changing. Back in July 2011 I made a concrete decision that ‘I will never die by suicide’. I still stand by that 100%. Yet I noticed thoughts creeping in of ‘if I were to get as unwell as I was a few years back, I just don’t think I could take it’. Leading to suicidal thoughts, which lead to thoughts of plans… and it’s strange how the thought patterns can change so easily. But in a way, those thoughts can be like a comfort blanket sometimes.
The last two nights – 30th December and 31st December – I had two really good night outs with friends. Those two nights have lifted me a little. Despite the fact that both evenings motivating myself to go was shit hard. My mind wanted to isolate, to curl up, to just hide away. But I made myself go. And I’m glad I did.
I don’t really believe in New Years resolutions. I believe that New Year is just a change of date, and doesn’t need to mean any more than that. I believe that if we want to do make a resolution to do something or change something, we should do that at any moment of the year. What difference does that number at the end of the date really make to us making resolutions about our life?
I do make ‘resolutions’ all the time. I’m continually working on my life, on me, on my mental health and my business. I, and my life, are a work in progress, and I’m constantly changing and developing.
So the new year means little for me in terms of new year resolutions. But I realised last night that it did mean something more to me.
As the clock struck midnight my friends and I did a countdown. Then we cheered Happy New Year to each other, hugged each other, etc.
At that moment, I was filled with a lovely, lovely feeling. A feeling of ‘Fuck, I did it. I made it another year, and it feels wonderful.’
It may not seem like a big deal. But it was an emotional moment for me. It’s another upside of what I’ve experienced. I attempted suicide three times in 2011. I didn’t think I would be alive here today. Being alive is really, really tough sometimes. Sometimes I don’t want to have to do it anymore. But I’m glad I’m alive. And those moments of ‘I didn’t think I’d be here today, but I am, and it feels bloody great’ are truly wonderful.
Most people won’t get to experience that feeling, which is what I mean about it being an upside of what I’ve experienced.
In that moment, at midnight last night, I made a realisation: I want to feel that feeling again. I want to start 2015 thinking ‘Yes, I did it. I made another year!’
So I’m making a pledge to myself for 2014. My pledge for 2014 is that:
I will not take my own life in 2014.
That may not seem like a big deal. After all, I made a decision in July 2011 to never die by suicide. But given how I have been feeling lately, that pledge to myself for 2014 is a big deal for me.
And how will I achieve this?
Using the same old strategies that have always worked for me.
- Taking each day as it comes, and each day taking a ‘I will not do it today’ approach and
- Continuing to be ‘My own best mental health worker‘. Regardless of how much professional support I have – or don’t have – I will always be the one who is most able to help myself. I will continually work at being my own best mental health worker, and managing my mental health as best I can.
So here’s to 2014, and to feeling that wonderful feeling as I ring in 2015!